I'm a loser, baby...

You all know this song, right?

So the radio is on quietly in the kitchen and I am singing along as I flit between rooms sorting out the kids' tea. The lyric comes along: I'm a loser, baby... so why don't you kill me? Except in the pause the inappropriateness of singing this in front of my 3 year old and 16 month old suddenly hits me. My mental process reaches for a substitute word, strikes 'thrill' from the register as also not ideal and before you know it the lyrics hit and I'm singing:

"I'm a loser baby... so why don't you say hello?"

Why 'say hello'? I honestly do not know, other than I clearly am indeed a loser.

But then:

"Hello!" pipes up 3 year old, "Bonjour! Ni Hao!"

I give you The Lingo Show, and a timely reminder to self that kids really do pay attention to what they watch on TV. I quite like the Lingo Show; it's fun, cheerful and just a bit silly. What's going to be the best food for a bug to karate-chop? Will it be banana or orange juice...?

It's well complemented by the Lingo Show Game on the Cbeebies website, which The Girl can mostly manage on her own. Her favourite bug is Wei, the Mandarin-speaker, so that's got to bode well for her future global competitiveness, right? As let's face it, at least one of the kids is going to have to earn enough to support me and Himself in our elder years, as any hope of saving a liveable pension is quite frankly screwed - it's either that or we take the Logan's Run approach. So perhaps if I look at it that way, we're actually investing in our futures by watching Lingo, right? It's not lazy parenting at all...

I'll leave you with the thought that 'Loser' was out in 1993, way back when a second class stamp cost 20p and petrol was 45p a litre. *counts pennies and sobs*

Poc Poc cakes

Make the banana muffin recipe a la Dora the Explorer. Kid yourself you know it off by heart, and forget to put in the oil. Pour mixture into cases using either the spout of your mixing bowl or a jug.

Voila.

Angry Bird Pop Up Book

I'm perversely proud of the fact I have had the same mobile phone since 2004. It is a Nokia, of some description, which has survived various soakings, droppings and assorted toddlers that would see off most whippersnapper smart phones. I do not have the technology to have apps though, and so the Angry Birds phenomenon largely passed me by. Until The Girl wanders off to play on Grandad's laptop, and shortly thereafter loud explosions can be heard. Cue maternal intervention...

So some time after, the The Girl says she would like a pop-up book. It's been a while since I've done any paper engineering, but birds I can do. It's only after I create it, I realise it does bear a resemblance to an Angry Bird. But never mind, eh? At least it wasn't Plants vs zombies... I didn't really want to have to explain zombies to a 3 year old. I would much rather have the conversation that goes:

"Why are the birds angry, Mummy?"
"Because the pigs stole their eggs, darling."

Than:

"Why are the zombies attacking, Mummy?"
"Because they want to eat your brains, dear."

If you would like to make your own Angry Bird pop up, take:

2 pieces of paper
Pritt stick
Felt tips
Optional stickers

Fold each piece of paper in half
Take one folded piece of paper, and with the outer edge of the fold facing you, snip a 2 inch or so slit in the paper.
Then bend the paper so that the slit folds up to create a diagonal fold between the edges of the slit and the middle of the page. Do this both at the top and bottom of the slit to create the 'beak'.
Stick the outer edges of the paper with the 'beak' (beak side out) to the other piece of paper to create a 'book' fold.
Add features to create your bird! Open and shut the 'book' to make it 'squawk'!

The bird's beak can also be adapted to become a frog or fish. Or, if you are feeling adventurous, a dragon. But definitely not a zombie's toothless maw...

Orchard Games Farmyard Opposites

As played by Father Dougal...?